Classic!

This is an article from the Sunday Sun by Gary Dunford.

Hey, I'm not a lumberjack or a fur trader.
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dog sled.
I watch TV too much. I buy what beer ads tell me to even though the microbrews taste better and don't give me gunky headaches.

I am Canadian.

I have a prime minister not a president. And I will vote for him again and again until all my countrymen agree he is as loopy as Trudeau or Mulroney and we have to beat him off us with sticks. We vote for them until we kill them. Yet Yanks still say we are a nice people. Go figure.

I am Canadian.

I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation.I believe ballet dancers should keep dancing until they are 80 years old, since I'm never gonna watch it anyway. But hockey players should probably get off the rink before they're 35. I believe serial killers should go to prison for a while, but smartass kid criminals, maybe not so long.

I am Canadian.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.I own two sets of jumper cables.I have a cable modem AND a phone ISDN and neither of them work exactly as advertised and I can't do a damn thing about it. I have never seen HBO or Animal Planet. I know that someday the CRTC will pat me on the head and let Rogers sell them to me. I pay for the CBC but prefer Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, a game I cannot play nor win. I love CNN and A&E.

I am Canadian.

I pronounce it a-bout, not a-boot.I pay higher taxes than any citizen in the civilized world, and recognize everybody but me knows best how they should be spent.I finance a pension system that will not benefit me in my old age. I load up my RSP with maximum foreign content. My broker says we'll make a lot of money in options and high tech. He's 26. I believe him.

I am Canadian.

I believe the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.I would swerve for a squirrel but not a snake. I believe somebody else should shovel up road kill.I believe Mike Harris is evil and Joe Clark is a boob and Preston Manning is a joke and Jean Chretien is past it and Mel Lastman is a clown and the only true heroes are actors in plaid flannel shirts who do TV beer commercials.I hate the GST and carry a lot of cash, especially if we're remodeling the kitchen.

I am Canadian.

I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I'm certain they're really, really nice.I'm glad Elian is not my problem.I know Wayne's World was a documentary about Scarborough, not a comedy.I believe doughnuts are good for you. Sometimes I spring for the full dozen. But I watch my weight, like Monica Lewinsky.

I am Canadian.

A tuque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch and it is pronounced Zed, not Zee. ZED!A call centre is a necessary barrier between me and the companies that sell gas, phone, cable that quite rightly don't want to hear from me. My bank pisses me off. I would change banks, except that I have already been a customer of all four other banks and they pissed me off too.
I stand in line to talk to an ATM. I pay fees. I simmer. I sulk.

I am Canadian.

I know the cry of the loon is the sweetest sound on the planet. But since you can't make money in the woods, I do a loon call myself, usually late at night. I believe in high-speed police chases, unless they are chasing me. I support the newest Waterfront Redevelopment Scheme and will like the next one even more. I will drive the two-lane Gardiner Expressway on the hottest day this July and curse a blue streak. I'll get in the right-hand lane when I damn well feel like it.

I am Canadian.

I believe in bass boats, rolling up the rim and Saturdays at Canadian Tire. I say "Eh" and "okey-dokey." I brake for snowbirds and March break. I paid to build a superhighway across the top of Toronto, paid again to drive it and will pay a third time to get my licence plate when it turns out several 407ETR bills were sent to the wrong place. I pay taxes in quarterly installments, so they can spend it as fast as I earn it.

I am Canadian.

Canada is the second-largest land mass, the first nation of hockey and the best part of North America!
My name is Dunf. And I am Canadian.
Thank you.
More beer for everybody, quick.
Let's get really, really loaded.
Gary Dunford.